James "Jim" Allbright used to be a copper on the beat. After being forced into early retirement on health grounds – he felt fine, his superior officers didn't – he becomes a window cleaner.

One day he notices an advert in the local newspaper for 'a contract to tender for "Glazing hygiene visibility and maintenance" facilities'. It's been placed by the local council, and he guesses that it's referring to a window which needs washing. So he writes a letter offering his services as follows:

The Administrator
Malbury Centre Health Clinic
43 Green Lanes
Malbury
WS2 HH5

1st March 2003

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in connection with your advertisement in the Herald of 24th February 2003, "Glazing Maintenance Project", Reference KL/000001/AE/9/4.3. You describe it as a contract to tender for "Glazing hygiene visibility and maintenance" facilities. Would I be correct in understanding that what you require is a window cleaner?

If so I would be interested in applying for the contract. I have been a window cleaner in Malbury for some years, working mainly in the Oaklands Shopping Centre area, and can supply references if required.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours Faithfully


Jim Allbright

J Allbright
32 Pinetree Road
Malbury
WS9 JG8

The response is:

Malbury Centre Health Clinic
J Allbright
32 Pinetree Road
Malbury
WS9 JG8

Reference Code : ALLBRIGHTJIM2003_0000000001

3rd March 2003

To : J Allbright

1. Thank you for your letter concerning Glazing Maintenance Project, Reference KL/000001/AE/9/4.3.

2. We are required to implement council policy of avoiding misuse of potentially derogatory use of language. A committee directive has been issued banning the use of the phrase "window cleaning" as possibly offensive. The facilities required of the project are those of maintaining a hygienic and clear state of the street-facing glass frontage of Malbury Centre Health Clinic, measuring approximately 6.523 by 3.89 metres, including the door. The full description of the project requirements are enclosed.

3. I have enclosed the forms required for tender. Note that, in accordance of official Council implementation of the Data Protection Act, we are not permitted to see some of the forms, and these must be sealed in the envelopes provided before being returned. They will be forwarded to the relevant auditing departments.

4. The data requested is essential for the monitoring of contracts issued by Malbury Council in order to ensure that they comply with the Equal Opportunity and other Acts of Parliament.

5. Enclosed find :

Form RI654/A/V/4.5.2C : Personal Details. To be sealed in envelope marked L421H70

Form PFG-143-RN2#1A : Cultural Background. To be sealed in envelope marked L421H71

Form X10000.A : Sexual and Religious Details. To be sealed in envelope marked L421H72

Form N98 : Other Details. To be sealed in envelope marked K56H1

Form YJ76E : Details of tender – this does not need to be enclosed in a separate sealed envelope.

You must return the completed forms in their sealed envelopes inside the pre-paid envelope enclosed, along with form YJ76E.

Do not include any personal details other than in the relevant sealed envelope(s).

6. Further enclosed is printout R76_20030303_ALLBRIGHTJIM2003_0000000001, a transcript of the information held within this communication for reference should any dispute arise. If you feel that the transcript does not truly reflect this communication you must query the matter with the Council Monitoring Department.

7. Note that all correspondence must be addressed to 'The Administrator'. Council policy does not permit the use of titles such as Sir or Madam, in order to avoid potential gender bias.

8. If you have any queries regarding this matter you must quote the reference above when contacting us.

9. If you require any forms in a language other than English you must request Form L798/1.8, Request For Forms In Languages Not English.

S Goodwin

pp The Administrator

Malbury Centre Health Clinic
43 Green Lanes
Malbury
WS2 HH5

P.S. Yes it is window cleaning but we aren't allowed to say so. It's the Health Clinic where I work. Daft, isn't it?

Sandi

Thus begins an exchange on several different levels. Jim writes formal replies, with informal notes attached for personal consumption. Sandi does the same. Gradually, as the forms go back and forth they learn about each other. Jim is divorced. Sandi has a young daughter she absolutely dotes on, Helen. Helen's father she last saw when he was locked up for defrauding old ladies. It turns out that Jim was the arresting officer. He also used to know a desk-sergeant who knew Sandi's father well, an easy-going drunk nicknamed "Sweets".

Then Jim receives a letter answering his original query from V Grateley (Senior Administrator), addressing him as "James", and apologising for the delay in answering. It is an exact duplicate of the original he received from Sandi, but with slightly different codes. He replies suggesting that there's been a mistake, and requests that the second, duplicate account be closed.

So V Grateley (Senior Administrator) closes both.

Jim sends a reply calmly trying to explain that he only needs the first one re-opened.

However the council computer system has been designed to prevent anyone from abusing it, and accounts can only be closed, never re-opened. So Sandi opens a new one for Jim, and V Grateley opens a new one for James, and the dance starts again from the beginning. And James finds himself exchanging notes with V(alerie) Grateley just as he (as Jim) is with Sandi. James is the one who owns a window-cleaning business; Jim is a bloke who cleans windows for a living.

There are also some slight bugs in the council computer system. Such as scheduling doctors' appointments a year in the past. And the council need to ensure the health of their contractors for health and safety purposes. But when Jim fails to attend the automatic appointment the system has scheduled for him, for a year before, the system automatically fines him for non-attendance. But that's okay, because he's charging them for the time spent on the forms. And anyway, when he points out that their system has automatically created an appointment he hadn't requested at a time it would be impossible to attend, the same system cancels the fine and refunds the money.

Which he hadn't paid.

In her letters Sandi describes the people she works with, including one Graham, a terrifyingly clever computer programmer who works in the main offices in the city centre. Graham often turns up to help her with her office computer, but that's just an excuse for him to see her friend Rachel, working in the same office. There's Valerie who works afternoons, who she calls 'The Moo' and describes as 'a stuck up little cow'. That turns out to be the same Valerie James is having a conversation with. Though his exchanges with Valerie are more about Valerie and her friend (Jane Thornton, Project Manager) and their plan to start up their own software consultancy.

Sandi's concerns revolve around her daughter, Helen. She'd love her to have a proper father; she herself had grown up wild, careless and thoughtless, and by the time her father died when she was sixteen she was an empty-headed teenager interested only in short skirts and the boys, without ambition or hope. She is determined her little Helen is going to grow up facing a brighter future. As she writes to Jim:

But things look bleak. They keep planning to meet up, but something always interferes. Every time it looks as if Jim (not James!) will get the job, something goes wrong. And, worst of all, it looks as if the clinic might close due to lack of patients, and Sandi will be re-assigned to the cold and unfriendly head office, miles away from her darling Helen's kindergarten and planned primary school. She'll spend her time either travelling or on the dole.

The reason for the lack of patients being, of course, that the computer system's scheduling bugs make it impossible for people to make appointments.

As they attempt to overcome the system which cannot be modified, and their concentration is focused on a race to overcome the bureaucratic hurdles they are facing, James fails to notice that there is something very strange going on with the letters he is getting from Valerie Grateley (Senior Administrator).

And then, suddenly, someone is in big trouble with the Council.

Do Jim and Sandi meet up eventually?