Bill Gates dies in a car accident.

He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining. The temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing.It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision."Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how Mr. Gates was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave being burned and tortured by demons.How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill howled out, with his voice filled with anguish and sorrow, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell you showed me! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied God.

Immediate Requirements:

Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix environment. Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level,and waffle in a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.

You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on the hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably. Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour" to the successful applicant's statements.

Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities: (1) a stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard (2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's, (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or (4)a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks. The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.

Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful candidate will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely likely.

Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the internet, good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content will also be important. You should have current experience in gross over-charging and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.

Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.

Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a minimum of one year "between assignments".

Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is provided for suitable applicants. Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to assist busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.

Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial numbers and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a requirement, but an interest in trainspotting is essential. Bad-breath and BO advantagious. Contract is for an initial three months and may be extended indefinitely.

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost, he reduced altitude and spotted a man below, he descended a bit more and shouted:

"Excuse me! can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approx 30 feet above the ground, you are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longtitude."

"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your info, and the fact is I'm still lost.

"The man below responded "you must be a manager."

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well" said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position as you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Please set a password to register

> cabbage

Sorry, your password must be more than 8 characters

> boiledcabbage

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> 1 boiled cabbage

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> 50boiledcabbages

Sorry, your password must contain at least one upper case character

> 50FU****Gboiledcabbages

Sorry, your password may not contain two consecutive upper case characters

> 50Fu****gboiledcabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccess

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> 50Fu****gboiledcabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed,

Desperate.

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Tech Support.

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:"Defrost the chicken."

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my ipad.

'I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

Two engineering students were walking across the campus of one of those odd brick universities when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'

The second engineering student replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,'Take what you want.'

The first engineering student nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, 'What's up with those people? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'The priest said, 'Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

He said, 'Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The green-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't yet have enough features.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.'

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'

The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an media studies degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"