A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefits recipient are sitting at a table sharing twelve biscuits.

The banker pockets eleven of them, and says to the Daily Mail reader "Watch out for that benefits scrounger, he wants your biscuit."

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condi Rice. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"

A Canadian aide to the prime minister has apologized for labeling George W. Bush a "moron".

George W was not offended. As president, he expects to be called four letter words

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works.

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves.

Also a 24 hour supply of food and drink, a de-icer, rock salt, torch & spare batteries. In addition they should take a Safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit & jump leads...

I felt a right prat on the bus this morning!

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things going down there in Hell?

Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

What! God exclaims: You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.

Not a chance, Satan replies: I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!

God insists: Send him back or I'll sue!

Satan bursts out with a big guffaw and answers:

Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, €˜ Where am I, Cathy?€™

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

W ITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

A lawyer is sitting in his office one day when suddenly the devil appears.

Satan says to the lawyer: "I can increase your income by 100%, make you the best lawyer in town and double the size of your practice. However, you must do something for me."

The lawyer asks: "What do you want from me?"

Satan replies: "You must commit to me for damnation the souls of your wife, your children and your grand children."

The lawyer sits and ponders this offer for some time and then quizzically looks at Satan and asks: "OK, so whats the catch?".

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.

Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years.

You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician Michael Jackson.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

Amen.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says,

"OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f*ck happened to Billy?"

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A ROMANIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell them to the abattoir where they are slaughtered and minced. The procesed meat is shipped to France and then to re-shipped to neighbouring Luxembourg to make frozen meat dishes for Tesco. It turns out you had two horses and not two cows.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive!