"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

"Doctor, Doctor, I've lost my ability to shock."
"I'm not surprised."

"What's that you're reading?"
"A book of Freudian jokes"
"Can I see?"
"No, you're too Jung"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"You´re not my real ladder!" I shouted at my step-ladder.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he's bound to start something."

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

A friend of mine has been fined £1,200 for looting DFS. He hasn't got to pay anything till 2030!

A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union telegram office and takes out a blank form, writing; Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. The clerk examines the form and infroms the dog "there are only 9 words here".."you could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied "that would make no sense at all"

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine & 'taint enough of it!!

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says 'A premature ejaculation' 'What?' says the woman. The man says 'I've just come in my pants'

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking! The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Can I get you a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into the doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

A maths professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A midget walks into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah mate. It's on the top shelf."

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A Police car pulled me over... 'Would you please blow into this bag Sir.' I said: 'What for Officer?' He said: 'My chips are too hot'

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A Roman walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus" the bartender says "don't you mean a martini?" The Roman replies "if I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one!"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.

A seal walks into a club . . .

A shepherd came up to me earlier and said "I've got 68 sheep in this field, can you round them up for me please?" "No problem," I replied, "you've got 70 sheep."

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead rabbits. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer: "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk!?" He said, "They had eggs."

A will is a dead giveaway.

A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "Excuse me sir, but there's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."

A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?" The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal, her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

Albert Einstein turned out to be a much better addition to the development of scientific research than his equally famous relative, Frank.

An English cat and a French cat decided to have a swimming race across the channel. They couldn't decide how to start the race so in the end they agreed that they would both count to three in their own language and then set off. Which cat won? The English cat. Why? The une, deux, trois cat sank.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Answerphone message "If your're ringing to buy marijuana, just press the hash key...."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

As I began to make a start with my Christmas presents, I could hear faint words and a drum beat ... the more paper I pulled off the roll, the louder it got ... turns out I'd bought rapping paper!

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.

BBC News just said there was a queue of 400 foot passengers waiting to travel on Eurostar. Not a lot of leg room on a train for people that tall.

BBC News: "Chocolate may protect the heart". Call me old fashioned, but I'm sticking to a bullet proof vest.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Broken pencils are pointless.

Cannabis smuggling to be investigated by joint committee.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. l hope there's no pop quiz.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore ... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard all this bull before.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right . now.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.

Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting" section?

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dog. The doctor said, "please lie on the couch." I said....I'm not allowed on the couch'

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place. I think I need glasses.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Exercise programme. Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila! AEROBIX!

Famous people are always getting into trouble. Lindsey Lohan went to jail. Charlie Sheen got high on camera. Chris Brown abused his girlfriend. Justin Bieber stayed up way past 8:30.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Good and bad news today. Firstly, a lawyers convention bus crashed today, all died. And the bad news; there were three vacant seats.

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

Hear about the cannibal in an Indian restaurant? He ate his Nan.

How can you make a small fortune by marrying a woman? Start off with a large fortune....

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

How does Moses make his tea. Hebrews it.

How many G4S security staff does it take to change a lightbulb? Four soldiers and a policeman.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight'. Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

I'd just taken delivery of a 40 foot roll of bubble wrap at work. I asked they boss what he wanted done with it. "Pop it in the corner" he said. It took me nearly 6 hours.

I'm on two diets. The first one left me still feeling hungry

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

I've got an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one...

I've just been playing blind man's bluff. The bastard wasn't bluffing, he set his golden retriever on me.

I've just found a note that says "Dial-a-Party" and a phone number. I believe this calls for a celebration.

I've just watched Philadelphia. It was a bit cheesy.

I've put on some weight recently. My wife says it's just puppy fat, but I've been eating other things as well.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

I asked my supervisor for some time off work and he told me I had to speak to the boss. What the hell has it got to do with Bruce Springstein?

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

I changed my ipod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

I got kicked out of the army because of my short attention span.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I have kleptomania; when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I have to go for a blood test tomorrow. I'm taking the Hep C Challenge.

I hired a Polish girl to hoover my flat, took her 5 days ............. turns out she was a Slovak.

I just drove past Anfield and saw nine season tickets nailed to the gates. I thought 'I'm bloody well having those!' You can never have enough nails.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

I phoned the local builder today; I said 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I promised to go a few rounds with this guy from my local boxing gym - but after one, I ran away. He shouted, "Get back in this pub and buy me a pint back you stingy bastard!"

I quit my job at the helium gas factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

I remember what my dear old granddad said just before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Grandson ... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

I said to a fella, 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said, 'No, there's an H, two E's, an N, an L, and a Y'.

I saw a sign that made me wet myself yesterday. It said: "toilets closed".

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I stayed up all night lo see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I think that my assumptions are starting to annoy people.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I took my cat to get neutered last week. He hasn't brought any birds home since.

I took the shell off of my racing snail to see if it went any faster. If anything though, it just made it more sluggish.

I tried experimenting with marijuana at university; I tried it in rain, in snow, in sleet, but I didn't in hail.

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat". You probably saw our posters.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

I was at the Doctors discussing my weight when he said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What, like pie and chips?" He said, "No, Fatty. Don't eat anything."

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff. As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!" So I started smiling.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.

I was sat in traffic for an hour yesterday. The policeman that arrested me said I was very lucky not to be run over.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two Counts.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."

I went for a hearing test and the doctor asked me to explain the symptoms. I said, well Homer is a fat yellow bloke and his wife Marge has blue hair.

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'

I went into HMV and said "What have you got by The Doors"? They said "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket"

I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to see a house earlier with period features. My wife hates it when I call her that...

I went to the butchers the other day, and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!

I went to the Doctor's today and he said I was paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say that, but I knew that's what he was thinking.

I went to the doctor with a very painful arm. He heard a voice coming from it so he got his stethoscope and listened. "Lend me a tenner... lend me a tenner", the voice said. Then the doctor said, "Well it's obvious. Your arm is broke."

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said 'You've got cholera.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

I went to the zoo the other day - it only had one dog. It was a shih tzu

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

If I had a pound for every time I have failed to understand a common expression, I'd be morbidly obese.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Instructions: If your baby will not drink milk, try boiling it.

Instructions: Soup: Open can and stand in a pot of boiling water.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Jokes about German sausage are the vurst.

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but brown sugar? Demarara......

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are."

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

l didn't like my beard at ñrst. Then it grew on me.

l told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

My budgie managed to escape from his cage and shag the dog ... I have got some puppies going cheep if anyone is interested?

My Chinese pal told me he had opened a Crows Shop. I said "You mean Clothes Shop!" He said "No, Crows ... come in and have a Rook!"

My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled under by a strong currant.

My girlfriend has just told me she is coming off the pill because it is making her fat. For goodness sake, how many was she eating?

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

My pig has lost its voice. It's a bit disgruntled.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! That's no good, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some scales.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

Patient: "Doctor Doctor - I'm struggling to say words beginning with th or f!" Doctor:"You can't say fairer than that".

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Q: What's a Hindu in New Zealand? A: Lays eggs.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the world? A: A bottle of milk. Because it's pasteurised before you see it.

Q: What is the fastest cake? A: Too late, it's scone!

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Rene Descartes orders a hamburger. The teller asks, "Would you like fries with that?" Descartes says, "I think not," and instantly disappears.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Suburbia - where the surveyors bulldoze down the trees then name the streets after them

The batteries were given out free of charge.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

The latest fad is the seafood diet. You see food, you eat it.

The local vicar double-crossed most of the congregation during his Sunday service. I think it's his O.C.D.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?' I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The statement on the right is true. The statement on the left is false.

The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

There are many ups and downs of being a pirate. On the one hand, there's lots of wine, women, and fighting. On the other hand there is no other hand.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

Things are so bad at work that my boss offered a £100 prize for the best cost-cutting idea and I won it. I suggested he cut the prize to £50.

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Thousands of Blackberrys have crashed. I bet that caused a jam.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly," I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Two parrots were sitting on a Perch. One said to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

What's with hedgehogs? Why can't they share the hedge?

What cheese do you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head? "I only have my shelf to blame"

What did the cheese say to his reflection? Halloumi!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh...

What do you call a group of politicians at the bottom of the sea? A start...

What do you get if you cross a pitbull terrier with a labrador puppy? A dog that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? lt goes back four seconds.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

When chemists die, they barium.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, "Just use a goddam spoon, Mike! You're not a Jedi."

When my dear old nan finally passed, I thought, "Football's not for her".

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Which cheese belongs to someone else? Nachos

Why do the french have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf.

Why were the lndîans here fìrst? They had reservations.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Yes, I do specialist maths. Ladies, please form a y=mx+c.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter . How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit" says the Irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

A little brown paper bag wasn't feeling very well one day, so he decided to take himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel so good." said the little paper bag.

"Well," said the doctor "you look okay, but lets do some blood tests and see if we can find out what's wrong with you. Come back and see me in a week."

The little brown paper bag wasn't feeling any better when he went back to get the results.

"What's wrong with me, doctor?" he asked.

"I'm afraid you're HIV positive." said the doctor.

"NO!" Cried the little bag, "I can't be! I'm only a little paper bag!"

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"No, I told you, I can't possibly do things like that! I'm only a little paper bag!"

"Well then, are you having a homosexual relationship?"

"No, I've already said, I can't do things like that. I'm only a little paper bag for heavens sake!"

"In that case," said the doctor "there's only one possible explanation ..."

"Your mother must have been a carrier."

An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Baghdad when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun.

He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down.

On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately.

'You idiot !' said the captain. 'We saw what you did on our radar and now we're in a load of trouble'.

'What do you mean?' said the pilot, 'I shot both carpets down!'

'I know that!' said the captain,

'But they were Allied Carpets!'

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

POLITICAL INSULTS

"He has been going around the country deliberately stirring up apathy" William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson

"When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit" David Lloyd George on the Liberal home secretary

"Tell him I can only deal with one sh-- at a time" Winston Churchill on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal

"His smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin" Benjamin Disraeli on Robert Peel

PERSONAL INSULTS

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends" Oscar Wilde

"It is a typical triumph of modern science to find the only bit of Randolph which is not malignant, and remove it" Evelyn Waugh, upon hearing that Randolph Churchill had been operated on for a benign tumour

"Her trouble is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech" George Bernard Shaw

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts - for support rather than illumination" Andrew Lang

ROYAL INSULTS

"They have sent me a Flanders mare!" King Henry VIII on Anne of Cleves

"A huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs" Nancy Mitford on Princess Margaret

"He's a world expert on leisure. He's been practising it all his life" Neil Kinnock on the Duke of Edinburgh

"Such an active lass. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her" Bette Midler on Princess Anne

FILM STAR INSULTS

"After Braveheart, they said he'd never make a true Scotsman, but look at him now - alcoholic and racist" Frankie Boyle on Mel Gibson

"Elizabeth Taylor's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins" Joan Rivers

"A face to launch a thousand dredgers" Jack de Manio on Glenda Jackson

"His acting is so bad, even his impersonation of a drunk is unconvincing" Critic Harry Medved on Dean Martin

"Just because she's dead doesn't mean she's gonna change" Bette Davis on Joan Crawford

LITERARY INSULTS

"Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable, sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. God, how I hate them" DH Lawrence after having his manuscript of 'Sons and Lovers' rejected

"That's not writing, it's typing" Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac

"Literary awards are like haemorrhoids. Sooner or later, every ----hole gets one" Frederic Raphael

"He chews more than he bites off" Clover Adams on Henry James

"So boring, you fall asleep halfway through her name" Alan Bennett on Arianna Stassinopoulos (now Huffington)

"I have tried to read Shakespeare, and I found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me" Charles Darwin

SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

"[You are a] knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch" Kent in 'King Lear'

"I would not marry her, though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed" Benedick in 'Much Ado About Nothing'

"She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults" Speed in 'The Two Gentlemen of Verona'

MEN v WOMEN INSULTS

"In my experience, men are creatures with two legs and eight arms" Jayne Mansfield

"I married beneath me. All women do" Lady Astor

"Biologically speaking, you are more likely to be attacked by the female of the species" Desmond Morris

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily" Count Talleyrand

"Women should be obscene and not heard" Groucho Marx

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult business, as it consists principally of dealing with men" Joseph Conrad

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers" Woody Allen

"Sir, you are drunk." "Indeed, madam, and you are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning" Winston Churchill to Bessie Braddock

SPORTING INSULTS

"I don't think heading the ball has got anything to do with it. Footballers are stupid enough anyway" A Football Association spokesman refuting a claim that heading the ball could cause brain damage

"Most people are using two-piece cues now, but Alex Higgins doesn't have one because they don't come with instructions" Steve Davis

"He can't kick with his left foot, he can't head, he can't tackle, and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that, he's all right" George Best on David Beckham

"The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet" Irish golfer David Feherty on Nick Faldo

"What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a moron?" John McEnroe to a Wimbledon spectator

A list of announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers.

'Apparently this train is no longer terminating at BArking, but is in fact terminating here. Im sorry about this, but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'They' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver...'

'Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggers, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

'Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train please take your rubbish with you, despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a wheelie bin.'

'Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the forseeable future. So lets take our minds off it and pass some time together, All together now 'Ten green bottles hanging on a wall' '

'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

'Please let the passengers off the train first, please let the passengers off the train first, please let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then stuff yourselves in like sardines; see if I care, I'm going home.'

'Please mind the doors' (doors close then open again) 'passengers are reminded that the big red slidy door-like things on the sides of teh train are called doors.' (doors close) ' thank you'

'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

'The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green, but to Richmond. The Train at platform two is also not going to Parsons Green despite what the signalmen think.'

'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get into the second carriage, what part of 'Stand clear of the doors' dont you understand?'

'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:WOMAN HITLER

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape that got too much sun.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.

Alitalia - Always Late in Take-off Always Late in Arrival

PIA - Please Inform Allah

BOAC - Better On A Camel

BEA - Broken Engines Everywhere

SAS - Safe and Sexy

Iberia - I Bet Every Reject Is Aircrew

TWA - Try Walking Across

LAN - Leaves About Now

QANTAS - Quite A Nice Type As Steward

TAROM - Try Another Route Or Method

LOT - Left On Tarmac

SABENA - Such A Bloody Experience, Never Again

DELTA - Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster...

faster...

BUMP....

BUMP....

BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. .

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man.... .

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Benilyn.

Desperate, he throws the Benilyn as hard as he can at the apparition.

... the coffin stops.