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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing." Emo Philips.
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." Conan O'Brien
"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box." Italian proverb
"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric." Doug Hamwell
"America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked." David Letterman
"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder." John Glenn
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million." Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap." Steve Martin
"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is." Jimmy Durante
"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire." Howard Hughes
"I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage." Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical." Arthur C. Clarke
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" Richard Jeni
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." Dave Barry
"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport." Jonathan Winters
"If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." George Carlin
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson
"In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked." Jonathan Katz
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Lewis Grizzard
"Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror." Jean Rostand.
"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke." Robin Hall
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." Mae West
"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years." Betsy Salkind
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." Drew Carey
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." A. Whitney Brown
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." Bob Ettinger
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." Mark Twain
"The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan
"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone." George Roberts
"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats." Jean Kerr
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." Jeff Foxworthy
"We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea." WH Auden
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." Prince Philip
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." Author Unknown
"When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land." Desmond Tutu
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." Lynda Montgomery
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself." Harrison Ford
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" Dave Barry
"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't." Jeff Foxworthy
If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" Author Unknown