After many years of married life, the man finds that he is unable to perform his husbandly duties.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally, the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." ..... and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; after that, it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and anxious to surprise his wife, he can't wait to go to bed. They get in bed, and he says "123," and just like magic, he gets an erection.

His wife rolls over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling,

"Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.

"You ain't got enough ammo mate!!"

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......."

I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night and telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her and she said go on then give it a go!

I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer and asked, "What day was I born then?"

I replied "Yesterday."

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.. l'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. What are you doing here?" the captain asked. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me." He certainly is," the captain said. This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh, come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh, come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh, please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh, yes, you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't."

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go....."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Darren, you're a vet...."

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife. You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

A furniture dealer from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Newfoundland.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the man.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.

"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I have just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I've only heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was considered a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son", says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey glares at them and then turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting........

"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!"

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said.

"Rest, don't talk." He was insistent.

"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says:

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here honey, try these on." So she did and said, "Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them." So I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will". Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm ..." says Jack.

He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on". So she does and says," These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your knickers."

Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your f%$king attitude, you never will."

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk

to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house... watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

A mortician was working late one night.

It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery.

Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

"With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue".

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

On their wedding night she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times before?"

"Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband no. 2 was in Software Support, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband no. 3 was from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband no. 6 was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband no. 7 was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband no. 8 was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband no. 9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband no. 10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was...... God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!".

"Good" said the husband, "but why?"

"You're a Tax Man. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!